Looking Up

Sometimes I spend an inordinate amount of  time secondguessing myself.  This is not something I am proud of.  Most of the time, I feel that such activity is just a waste of time and energy.  It interferes with sleep and relationships (with self, others, and God).

It's one thing to be determined to learn from one's mistakes or to reflect on things, but second-guessing is a whole 'nother animal - and it's a negative one.  It makes us and others around us miserable.

I have noticed, lately, that I am not doing this so much these days.  And I am noticing, probably as a result, that I have more time, more energy, and I feel a sense of clarity most of the time. Things are looking up.  Things feel as if they are on a much more even keel.  Of course, I haven't made any big decisions lately, either, so there's always the possibility  ... oh wait, that sounds like second-guessing!

It intrigues me, though - why is it that we second-guess ourselves?  Is it a self-esteem issue?  Do we do so because we are afraid of being confident (do we have a fear of success)?  Is it a sign that we are wedded to an unhealthy perfectionism and so compulsively look for mistakes?  Do we just not believe that we have what it takes to be in relationship or conversation or in a leadership position?  Why do we analyze and overanalyze things so much?  Is it just an extreme form of what could be healthy reflection?  Is it better than no reflection at all?  What role do others play in our own second-guessing - do we do it because of what others might think or is it all internal?  What about when others validate us - does that keep us from going to the second-guessing place?

I wish I could say that all these, and many more, questions will be answered in the next paragraph, but they won't.  I'm just wondering - and being glad that I seem to be in a place where I am not in the thrall of my second-guessing self.  And hoping that the next time I go there, I'll wonder instead of getting caught.