Even Keel

I've had a couple of quiet days this week, which I needed for various reasons, but as always happens after a spell like this, I suddenly become irritated that I am not getting out and doing more things. One can only do so much, of course, and one must occasionally have some down time, but I get all over myself about it anyway. Suddenly I see my neighbor's beautiful pots full of begonias on her front porch and then look to my empty ones (the hot summer having taken mine out when I neglected watering them). I see other people out walking or running, I hear the sounds of yardwork being done down the street, I notice the boxes that have been sitting in my living room for a month. At the gas station, I imagined that everyone else there had a well-organized to-do list on the front seat that each was checking off systematically, getting things done on a Saturday morning.

Even though I'm an extrovert, I've learned that I need some time alone and periods of unstructured time. I get crabby if I don't get it. But I also get crabby when I get too much of it. Oh, how I wish I could tell when I was getting close to the edge of my patience so I could make a small and quick readjustment and be on my way. But no, I go in fits and starts. Suddenly I see that I have at least four full days of yardwork to do when yesterday I didn't think I had any (because I had my nose in a book). I seem seldom to be able to keep it on an even keel (as they say in boating) but tend to rock side to side. Which I guess, truly, I prefer. But I find fault with it nonetheless.

The other day I actually wondered to myself, when will I get this right? When will I figure out what I'm doing in my life? Which is silly as I am doing all sorts of good things in my life. I just couldn't remember them at that moment. When one is not in a system that provides a schedule that organizes and manages one's time, one can find herself at sixes and sevens.

Sigh. It seems as if I need to make some lists again. I do not want to be a person who is tied to a list, who can't function without a list; I rebel against lists! But I could probably use one.

I shall put "plant something in my pots" near the top.